I'm LeGDieS – you probably know that already. Doesn't matter. Most of the time I'm just trying to get through the current day and the next one. Lately I've been putting a lot of energy into building this project. And yeah, I'm a bit obsessed with Avali… actually not a bit, more like entirely. Same story with games: Elite, now Star Citizen… and well, programming. Don’t ask me why, it just stuck. Weapons too, for some reason. I guess I’m a dreamer in my own strange way. People sometimes tell me I speak too technically and make others feel stupid… I don’t mean to. It’s just hard not to use the words you know. Sorry for that.
Honestly? Laziness. If you can call it that. I never liked following instructions. I always believed I could do things my own way. Most advice people gave me went straight past my ears. Some stuck, but very rarely. I ignored almost everyone who tried to help me, and only now I'm beginning to regret that. Moving to a different country hit me harder than I expected. A new system, new rules, new people… all of that messed with my mental state way more than I’d like to admit. Now I constantly feel like I’m sitting on needles. I hate that feeling, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I had a breakdown recently. Pulled myself back together quickly, but the aftertaste stayed.
In some ways yes… but it’s still better than living in poverty with no chances to grow. Here I finally understood what real choice means - not the one your budget allows, but the one you pick because you want to. Before this, I could only dream of owning decent clothes not bought from a street market… not to mention electronics. Because of the way we lived back then, I still feel anger at myself every time I spend money. I don’t think I’ll ever fully shake off that feeling.
Helplessness, feeling useless, the sense that everything was pointless, and stress that had been piling up for far too long. A lot of things, really. You could say it was a burst of emotions that had been building up over a long time. What was it like? Painful for me, and unpleasant for anyone who saw it. As usual, I withdrew into myself, and kept sinking deeper and deeper. Eventually I became aware of where I actually was — overworked, exhausted, constantly trying to fill every spare moment not with rest but with something that looked like work. All of that on top of college… it was too much.